Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

I’ve been drinking.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Its true…

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi