this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
You Might Also Like
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro