this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
That’s amazing.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.