this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”