THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I Can’t Tonight…
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-