Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Got ya covered

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Bringing back this classic

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*