Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”