This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Facebook memories be like
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies