Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

perfect

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…