This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
grandparents are too precious for this world
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.