Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

A decision was made here.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Me buying fruit and veg

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.