This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
And they lived apathetically ever after.