Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.