@TheCrumbDiary

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

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@MomOfTeen

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

@bridger_w

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

@Rick_IZ

People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.

@LizzieEMB

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@Paxochka

I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit