He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer
Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit