“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
LOL
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!