“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.