“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.