Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak