This is top tier marketing 馃槀馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
Liquor Store Parking
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i鈥檓 not sure what u mean
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn鈥檛 matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I鈥檓 part of that cult
Love bombing?
I鈥檝e never even been love water ballooned
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it鈥檚 because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Xylophonist Shredding It
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
early stone age tool
Life with a cat in one tweet
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I鈥檓 a screenwriter