This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.