Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

ㅤ

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??