This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
new career option?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.