This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house