This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.