This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
this article brought to you by lions
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have