This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Cool shirt 🙂
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.