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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.