This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first