This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Oh thanks BBC.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.