This is true.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February