This is true.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.