this is uni
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
The three genders.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
so this horse walks into a bar
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
