this is uni
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{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
We need it on priority
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”