This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?