This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Friends that check up on you >
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*