this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My plans: 2020:
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
put ‘er there pardner!