Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy