Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

#merica

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too