Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

*checks Timeline*…

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

☠️

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us