This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies