This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
j o i m p
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Ion see the issue
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…