Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.