This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
You Might Also Like
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see