Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

huge if true: the moon

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes