Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

I enjoy a good short stor

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Breaking news:

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Grew big