This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Boom, boom, ching!
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I