This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*seductively eats two tums*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Love is in the air fryer.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.