This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.