This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Bless you
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
🙅🏻
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”