This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Reporter: *ports again*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently