This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Ape together strong
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
