This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Never forget.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.