@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

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@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@meghaffer

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.