Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Buying a well is money well spent.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

j o i m p

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.