this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Order here:
More here:
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.