this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’m not lazy
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.