this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.