This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.