Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

i think both sides are to blame here

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative