Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

*bites zombie*

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.