This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.