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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
When the stylist spins you back around
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”