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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’m not wrong
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game