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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”