this is what they would have looked like, though
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animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Happy Taco Tuesday
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!