this is what they would have looked like, though
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.