This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture