This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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Okay me first
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.