This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
