A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
love it when they get my name right
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Hello Twits.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.