this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
#FunnyLife Insects
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.