this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
You Might Also Like
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
what it’s like dating me:
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :