this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Meow
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’