This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“That’s what” – She
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Come back with a warrant
