Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.