This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?