This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.