“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.