“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Every
Single
Year
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer