This is why I hate group projects
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm