This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs