this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
when you order from DoorDastardly
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
